


Holding Onto You

by nationalnobody



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Muke - Freeform, Self-Harm relapse, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-07
Updated: 2014-08-07
Packaged: 2018-02-12 04:46:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2096283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nationalnobody/pseuds/nationalnobody
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's like waiting for someone who's never coming back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holding Onto You

**Author's Note:**

> Written at like 3am on my phone a few days ago.

You promised you would never leave but I don't see your face around here anymore.

I haven't heard a word from you since the tenth of July, 12:35am, and I'm beginning to wonder whether you will come back, _if_ you will come back.

Calum and Ashton are worried, not for you but for me. They say that I've changed, I don't see how. They keep telling me to stop but I don't know how.

It feels like I'm drowning but somehow I've still got breath. Oxygen is not what I want. Your air mixed with mine oh now that would be a gift.

It feels like every step I take is bringing me closer to my grave but all I want is to get closer to you. I guess being six feet under would mean that though.

I used to wake up with your arms around me but now all I see when I wake up is the bright light of my phone and it makes me want to close my eyes tight. Most times I wished that they would stay shut.

I told you a year and a half ago that I wouldn't ever press a blade to my skin again but I guess it just happened. Just like your disappearing act, it was something that could not have been prevented.

Calum and Ashton check on me more frequently now, it seems they don't want to leave me alone for too long. I don't think much of their company, it's not the same as yours. It never will be.

I miss you. I miss your stupid face and your stupid colourful hair (I swore you'd go bald one day but you always just laughed it off) and your stupid dance moves and the stupid way in which you held me…But what I missed most was that stupid little smile you always had on your face when you said 'I love you'.

Remember all those little words you used to say? They now make my heart break.

_'Don't be scared, I won’t go.'_

_'I'll always be here when you need me.'_

_'As dumb and cheesy as it sounds, I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life with you.'_

Where are you now? Not here with me that's for sure. Why did you make promises you could not keep?

You should not have made promises you were bound to break.

Why did you go? Why am I alone? Why does it feel like my throat is closing in on itself and my lungs are about to collapse?

"Luke?! Luke, please get down from there!" A muffled shout, probably Calum.

I looked up at the sky, staring at the stars and the faint purple like hue that was spread across the expanse of it. I'd never seen the sky like this before.

It reminded me of Michael.

It felt wrong to say his name, now that he was no longer around. I stepped closer to the ledge, shouts filling my ears but not really reaching me. A funny feeling it was, standing there on the edge.

Bang, bang, bang on the door. It still did not give.

I should have bothered to write a note.

I should have bothered to try and figure this out.

I should have bothered to tell Ashton and Calum the reason behind this but I guess they must already know.

I should have bothered to do a lot of things but I had not.

I stared down, gazing at the cars that were littered along the ground like small ants. An image I’ll have etched into my memory for moments to come. Though you abandoned me first, I’ve left you alone for even longer than necessary but don’t worry…I will be with you soon.

I missed his kisses and his arms around my waist, a feeling of warmth I could now never achieve. Too bad things like that were not permanent, I guess nothing is ever really permanent in life. Not when it comes to people, not when it comes to promises. Kisses pressed to my neck, at first a foreign feeling though not unwelcome and as time came to pass it felt odd _not_ to have your lips on me.

Oh won’t you press your lips to mine as I say my last farewell?

I lifted one foot off of the ledge, I was being reckless now. But I'd been reckless ever since he'd left. What difference did it make?

Horrified yells and incessant harsh banging noises resonated throughout the rooftop.

The soundtrack of my death had begun playing.

I stepped right off the building and into the upside down sky. Colours blurring together as one as I came to realise what I had done.

It's like the feeling of the wind in your hair as a train rushes past, the shrill noise of a whistle sounding as it goes.

It's like you're floating up to the clouds when you're actually tumbling down to your death.

It's like waiting for someone who's never coming back.

Falling to my death felt a lot like falling in love with Michael. A decision with so much thought behind it but in the end was executed so poorly, it could only end in ruins. Something that started off as you fell, a feeling of ecstasy filling your veins but then as soon as you were close to reaching the ground it left you, and all you could perceive after the initial realisation was fear, loneliness and that ache in your chest that had yet to disappear.

It seemed like it never would.


End file.
